I can't believe that I'm still alive after those things going around me...
Firstly, I got a really bad infection on my throat and it hasn't healed for more than 1 month.
Second, my school gives me a damn lot of works and tests.
Third, I'm kinda addicted to playing LimitRO for these past few weeks, I really love my Warlock and Biochemist ~~~~
Fourth, I still have a weird feeling after eating two of my group's experiments, a tofu made from green peas and an ice cream made from soya milk (they tasted weirrdddddd)
Fifth, I haven't studied for the coming Japanese Proficiency Test...
Sixth, my scores have been going up and down and they aren't stable... I really need to concentrate on my studies more, I guess...
Seventh, I don't know how to say this but... I can't understand my own feelings. I don't even feel anything anymore.... Am I really laughing from the bottom of my heart? Or maybe am I really that lonely and scared? Scared of losing what I treasure the most... Am I feeling envy to others? I just don't understand... and maybe I will never understand it.
Lastly, I think that I've been falling down more than I realized... Whenever I saw the picture hanging at my school, the picture which contains the sentence ," No matter how far you've gone, you can always turn back." (maybe a little different than that but it contains the same meaning) I believe that I can never turn back... Hating myself, my life, everything around me... and the things I can't ever part with... Ryo, Ruelle, End Earth's Main Family and my addiction to BoyxBoy Relationship. I don't care what people think about me, maybe they think that I'm weird or whatever, but I treasure those things the most and those things are the things that have kept me alive until this very second. If they're gone... I don't think I can continue living anymore. I'm willing to sacrifice anything for them, I'm willing to loose my cage that I've put to them so that they can be happy, I'm willing to look them at their backs when they are having fun with others. I'm willing to put aside my addiction so that they don't feel strange when they're with me... And of course, I'm willing to forget my questions and my suspicions on them... I often thought and asked myself," I've been sacrificing all of myself for them, but why can't they realize it?..." .... WHY?. I can't force myself to gather my courage to submit my works here, because one of my treasured thing is right here and maybe reading this journal... I just want him to know that... I love and care about him, Wind-chan and Wg-niichan more than they ever knew. And I guess I'll keep my most important secret from them.